Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Update on Billy Mays

Turns out he died of heart disease. (HT: Megan McArdle)

In honor of Billy Mays's characteristic style, and because I don't know the appropriate waiting time for stuff like this, I feel like I have to write the following:


Genial pitchman appears

"Are you suffering from clogged arteries?"

[footage of attractive middle-aged actor clutching chest and wincing]

"Does your doctor tell you to cut back on the foods you love?"

[footage of stereotypical doctor grimly advising attractive patient, who appears to be saddened]

"Well, now you can plow STRAIGHT THROUGH that build-up with Arta-cleanse! Using its patented formula, you can clear out those harmful deposits that put you at risk for heart disease!"

[computer simulation of large artery with ugly-looking blockage that is being magically washed away with pretty fluid]

"Powered by nature's very best ingredients, Arta-cleanse gives you INSTANT results you can SEE! Just watch!"

[Pitchman goes over to attractive middle-aged woman sitting down, injects syringe into upper inner right right arm]

"Watch as Arta-cleanse works its way through the system to BLOW AWAY all the nasty build-up that drags down your mood and strength!"

[camera zooms in on woman's arm, as discoloration propagates through arm where vein is located]

"In just MINUTES you have a cleaner, meaner, healthier circulation, or your money back!"

[camera cuts away to woman jogging, then to her blood pressure being checked, with a good reading showing up on a conspicuous monitor]

"But wait! Order in the next ten minutes and we'll throw in this free tourniquet that will make the injection even easer! And that's not all. Call within the next FIVE minutes and we'll DOUBLE your order for FREE! All this for just $29.99."

"HERE's how to order!" [points at camera]


You BETTER pay me royalties if you make that video! >:-(